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The Road Where Steven Died May 23, 2009

Posted by Theresa Madden in Bible, Counseling, Family, Feelings, Grief, Thoughts.
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2 comments

I grew up going up and down Highway 38 to the coast. So many times I’ve traveled that road, and it has always been Highway 38.

Today I realized it is not Highway 38 anymore.

Today was the first day I have traveled that road in over 2 years. I haven’t been on it since before my son Steven was in his accident. I did not go and see where it happened. I did not want to. I didn’t want to memorialize where he lost his life, to see the awful sight. I wanted to remember him in my heart.

Today on the spur of the moment we went to the coast. A few miles outside of town it dawned on me that we were on ‘the road where Steven died’. Then the turmoil in my heart and mind began. Did I want to know where, did I not want to know where?

Did I search all the way to the coast the areas where I thought it could have been from the remembered description? Yes. And on the way back did I search again? Yes. All the while not sure if I really wanted to know or not.

When Steven died my daughter in law Shyla and I requested that no flowers be put there. No markers. I feel it is so morbid. Why do that when all it brings is more grief. Then going back again and again to relive it. No thank you.

Today is a day of so many mixed emotions. Do I bust out crying or hold it in. If you know me, you know I am a master at holding it in. For over 30 years I thought that I couldn’t cry…once is enough and the mourning is over. Thankfully I did go to counseling about 6 months after Steven died and learn that is not the case. It is okay and good. I do feel a little off now, I think that is why. It’s a weird almost sick feeling, and yes I’m going to cry. Again, mourning my children; Steven and Karen who he has now joined in heaven with Jesus. I cannot say that they were taken before their time, or taken too early.  I cannot say no parent should lose a child. I cannot say no one should lose a spouse. I cannot say my children should not lose a brother. I cannot say my grandchildren should not have lost their father. Who am I to say that? Only the Lord knows if it is 1 day, 1 year or 29 years.  Psalm 139.15 All the days ordained for me  were written in your book before one of them came to be. HE knows every moment, every breath we will take. HE knows the lives we will touch, in our living and in our dying. And in that, I will trust the LORD.

The road…one of these days perhaps I’ll ask one of the people who knows where it happened and have them show me. There are only 3 in my family that know. I’m not sure yet. I’m almost afraid to know. Afraid that will become a focus when I drive down the road and I don’t want it to be. I didn’t go see the pickup either for the same reason. Why have that in my head to replay the picture.   From the descriptions at the time I already have a picture, but not so graphic and one that will fade more as time goes on.

Highway 38 is now ‘the road where Steven died’.

Seriously February 2, 2009

Posted by Theresa Madden in Faith, Family, Links, Ministry, Writing.
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2 comments

I wanted you to know about this publication I’m a part of called Serious.Life Magazine. They just published the February issue today, and I am in their Featured Blog Directory. It’s a very high quality magazine… you’ll really like it.

The magazine includes a lot of great content from bloggers you’ll appreciate, as well as great features, photos and other content. The magazine is owned and published by a family who have seven kids, three adopted and one who has Leukemia (www.riggsfamilyblog.com). The magazine gives away a bunch of ads to charities and ministries. Besides great articles on interesting people, there is a lot about family, adoption, personal finance, spiritual life, humor… all sorts of “life” topics.

Again, the subscription is free, and I know you’ll enjoy the magazine, so take a minute to check it out and sign up to get future issues. www.seriouslifemagazine.com

Thinking to much does this January 15, 2009

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Fits & Giggles.
3 comments

My family got me a new game for my DS. Since Christmas I have played it pretty consistently.
Hun.dreds. of games. How do I know? It keeps a record and gives me certificates after every hundred. It has crosswords, wordsearch, anagrams…oooh I love it! Every game has 3 levels; easy, medium, hard. And then of course bonus rounds.

So what is the big deal? I am making anagrams in my sleep!?! If I happen to wake up in the night my brain is making 5 letter words, with a set group of letters? Wha?!? I think it must happen if I am really stumped on the long words…trying to finish a puzzle. Cause you know I am all about how fast I can complete them. LOL

Too much of a good thing (puzzles are good for brain cells) is too much and then is not a good thing! So no more, last thing at night working on a hard anagram. Prayer would be much better!

I think healing is taking place November 12, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Faith, Family, Feelings, God, Grief, Love.
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7 comments

I think healing has really begun taking place in our family. It is such a slow process. Now that our girls are living back at home temporarily we are able to really love on each other and support each other.
When our 29 year old son Steven was killed in a car accident in August 2007 Katie was 12 hours away attending college. Amanda was living at home, she moved out in December of 2007 to be on her own.
Katie really had no one to talk to, or get hugs from, or understand what she was going through. Amanda was grieving silently as well. We would talk occasionally, mostly just hugs and crying. Avoidance seemed to be the best way to deal with it. Not talking about him, because to talk meant to cry. To cry hard. We all were hanging on by a thread
Last evening we were all just being together, playing Wii and having fun, laughing. And today, sitting around visiting, comfortable. And laughing, oh it is sooo good to laugh again, freely. As a family together, I just really felt today that we are starting to heal. The girls went up to see our daughter-in-law and grandchildren for a few days last week. They had a nice visit, and she (dil) opened up with them a bit. She needs so much prayer, I don’t get to see her or the grand-kids nearly as often as I would like.

And today, I think maybe I can write to the recipient of Steven’s heart. We received a letter from him a few months ago, from the Donor Center. I have held on to it, hoping one day to be able to communicate. I don’t know what I will write yet or even if the communication will stop at this one letter. Do I know yet if I could actually meet him? If I could hug him? Lay my head on his chest? Feel Steven’s heart beating, hear it? No. If it is to be, it will be the Lord’s doing.
I know that there are others who were given a second chance, we know a bit about them, their first names, ages, states and family situations. I think in all Steven was able to help 4 people.

I believe with all my heart, my Savior and Lord Jesus has kept us together. He has walked with us every step of the journey. Giving us strength when we had none, helping us to get through one day at a time, one hour at a time. The many changes that have taken place in this last year, many so hard to bear. There have been good things too, and for those blessings I am eternally grateful.

Thank you Lord for your many blessings. Father, for so much that I am not even aware of. So many ways You have protected us and loved us.

2 Corinthians 1:2-4 (NIV)
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

The Dress October 31, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Love.
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3 comments

Here it is. The Dress! Katie helped me and I’m sure glad she did. It was quite a project, but fun! That last photo is so bright but I love the way she is standing. And I LOVE THAT YOUNG LADY!

Coffee October 14, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Fits & Giggles.
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9 comments

I love coffee. Plain coffee, coffee with flavored creamers, espresso, blended, iced. You name it I probably like it. I ran out of coffee filters this morning and had to have a pot of coffee so I improvised. Come on, admit it, you have too. I used a napkin, unfolded trimmed to fit. (Should have used a paper towel – what was I thinking?). So now there is a pot of coffee all over my kitchen counter. Ugh! I cleaned it all up, and you know I still had to have that pot of coffee. So this time I used the paper towel…success!

I’m sitting here with my computer, my coffee, my girls, WII, Twitter. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, at some point today we’ll make trip to Bimart to pick up 3 boxes of coffee filters. They fit in my cupboard nicely and I shouldn’t have to worry about making any more messes for the next 4 months or so. Well…