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The Road Where Steven Died May 23, 2009

Posted by Theresa Madden in Bible, Counseling, Family, Feelings, Grief, Thoughts.
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I grew up going up and down Highway 38 to the coast. So many times I’ve traveled that road, and it has always been Highway 38.

Today I realized it is not Highway 38 anymore.

Today was the first day I have traveled that road in over 2 years. I haven’t been on it since before my son Steven was in his accident. I did not go and see where it happened. I did not want to. I didn’t want to memorialize where he lost his life, to see the awful sight. I wanted to remember him in my heart.

Today on the spur of the moment we went to the coast. A few miles outside of town it dawned on me that we were on ‘the road where Steven died’. Then the turmoil in my heart and mind began. Did I want to know where, did I not want to know where?

Did I search all the way to the coast the areas where I thought it could have been from the remembered description? Yes. And on the way back did I search again? Yes. All the while not sure if I really wanted to know or not.

When Steven died my daughter in law Shyla and I requested that no flowers be put there. No markers. I feel it is so morbid. Why do that when all it brings is more grief. Then going back again and again to relive it. No thank you.

Today is a day of so many mixed emotions. Do I bust out crying or hold it in. If you know me, you know I am a master at holding it in. For over 30 years I thought that I couldn’t cry…once is enough and the mourning is over. Thankfully I did go to counseling about 6 months after Steven died and learn that is not the case. It is okay and good. I do feel a little off now, I think that is why. It’s a weird almost sick feeling, and yes I’m going to cry. Again, mourning my children; Steven and Karen who he has now joined in heaven with Jesus. I cannot say that they were taken before their time, or taken too early.  I cannot say no parent should lose a child. I cannot say no one should lose a spouse. I cannot say my children should not lose a brother. I cannot say my grandchildren should not have lost their father. Who am I to say that? Only the Lord knows if it is 1 day, 1 year or 29 years.  Psalm 139.15 All the days ordained for me  were written in your book before one of them came to be. HE knows every moment, every breath we will take. HE knows the lives we will touch, in our living and in our dying. And in that, I will trust the LORD.

The road…one of these days perhaps I’ll ask one of the people who knows where it happened and have them show me. There are only 3 in my family that know. I’m not sure yet. I’m almost afraid to know. Afraid that will become a focus when I drive down the road and I don’t want it to be. I didn’t go see the pickup either for the same reason. Why have that in my head to replay the picture.   From the descriptions at the time I already have a picture, but not so graphic and one that will fade more as time goes on.

Highway 38 is now ‘the road where Steven died’.

Seriously February 2, 2009

Posted by Theresa Madden in Faith, Family, Links, Ministry, Writing.
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I wanted you to know about this publication I’m a part of called Serious.Life Magazine. They just published the February issue today, and I am in their Featured Blog Directory. It’s a very high quality magazine… you’ll really like it.

The magazine includes a lot of great content from bloggers you’ll appreciate, as well as great features, photos and other content. The magazine is owned and published by a family who have seven kids, three adopted and one who has Leukemia (www.riggsfamilyblog.com). The magazine gives away a bunch of ads to charities and ministries. Besides great articles on interesting people, there is a lot about family, adoption, personal finance, spiritual life, humor… all sorts of “life” topics.

Again, the subscription is free, and I know you’ll enjoy the magazine, so take a minute to check it out and sign up to get future issues. www.seriouslifemagazine.com

The Dress October 31, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Love.
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Here it is. The Dress! Katie helped me and I’m sure glad she did. It was quite a project, but fun! That last photo is so bright but I love the way she is standing. And I LOVE THAT YOUNG LADY!

Coffee October 14, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Fits & Giggles.
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I love coffee. Plain coffee, coffee with flavored creamers, espresso, blended, iced. You name it I probably like it. I ran out of coffee filters this morning and had to have a pot of coffee so I improvised. Come on, admit it, you have too. I used a napkin, unfolded trimmed to fit. (Should have used a paper towel – what was I thinking?). So now there is a pot of coffee all over my kitchen counter. Ugh! I cleaned it all up, and you know I still had to have that pot of coffee. So this time I used the paper towel…success!

I’m sitting here with my computer, my coffee, my girls, WII, Twitter. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, at some point today we’ll make trip to Bimart to pick up 3 boxes of coffee filters. They fit in my cupboard nicely and I shouldn’t have to worry about making any more messes for the next 4 months or so. Well…

They’re home! September 28, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, News.
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The girls got home on Thursday and it’s been crazy ever since! Katie is now a college graduate – woohoo! Amanda flew down early in the week and they both drove home. They took their time so it took them two days. And now they are both living at home again. So we have gobs of stuff to put in place, reorganize and fit into our home! And we are getting ready to leave for family vacation/hunting trip next weekend.

It is good to have the girls home. Only for a short season is their plan, they will hit job-seeking hard when we get back from vacation. Their plan is to only be here a couple of months and then move out on their own. We’ll see how, what and where the Lord moves.

Gotta go visit with my girls :o) because the time is going to go veeeerry quickly.

Home again September 7, 2008

Posted by Theresa Madden in Family, Random.
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Yep. Home from roping. Timing team roping is hard work! Long days and high intensity. This was the last roping of the series for the year. My sister and I love it though. We get to spend long weekends together. We are exhausted now. I’m going to bed early tonight, because work calls me in the morning. 🙂

As a little treat after the weekend, my sister and I stopped by the store on the way home. Spent some of my hard earned cash on a couple of new blouses. Yay! They were much needed.

Hope you all had a nice weekend!